Intelligent Design

I've been memed, it seems, by a raving lunatic who frequently answers to the name of Will. It seems his sister Jocelyn tagged him, so he tagged me... It's a vicious cycle, which I'm only too happy to perpetuate this time around. I hereby tag Rob, Nadia and Sharon.

The task: If you were a scientist designing the first bionic human, what would you improve upon, and how?

Will: "Remove inner ear. Replace with solid state tuning fork system... Fill sinus with elasto-polymer or metallic fill. Encase in said elasto-polymer a gyroscopic balance device to compensate for the loss of the inner ear. Benefit includes the ending of sinus infections and the inability to get dizzy."

Jocelyn: "Give humans a blowhole so that we can breathe properly while our mouths are full or when we have colds. I would get rid of that pesky 'funny bone' problem, and make a 'go-go-gadget arm!'"

My response

Proof that Intelligent Design is bunk: any divine engineer worth his/her/its all-seeing salt would know better than to route a sewage line through a recreational area. Solution: seeing as I quite enjoy the recreational aspects just the way they are, thank you very much, I vote for diverting urinary activity through the navel. Perhaps a retractable, innie/outie combination -- I'm sure there are myriad medical supply companies that would compete for the contract -- would allow for flexible disposal, and prevent unwanted dribbling of excess materials into the hairy region just south of the belly button.

Look forward to improved functionality of the pubic parts, lower rates of unpleasant surprises from partners, and fewer infections for our female contestants (boys & girls, please wash yourselves before going anywhere near it).

Potential drawbacks: intense abuse of urinary tubing by drunk college guys and schoolboys, and jihads in countries where women are prohibited for religious reasons from standing up in the bathroom.